LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a toddler.
MAIN TITLE:
DISSOLVE TO:
LUCA-TONI AS A BABY, looking out his bedroom window.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
To me, being a toddler was better than being President of the United States of America.
EXT. ALICE’S BEDROOM – EVENING
LUCA-TONI’S POV – A bedroom looks like a bomb-site. Posters of horses and cats and Frozen on the wall. Toys and balloons and books scattered everywhere. We see six immaculately-dressed DOLLS all lined up on the bed. They are wearing diamond pinky rings, cowboy hats and silk dresses.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
Even before I first crawled into my sister’s bedroom when she had friends around after school I knew I wanted to be older. It was where I belonged. I couldn’t be one forever.
LUCA-TONI’S POV: We see a trike roll into Alice’s bedroom with two toddlers on it. We see the trike wobble when they get off. Toddler #1 is JOEY BANANA. He’s wearing a large plastic Paw Patrol ring on his chubby fucking finger. Toddler #2 is JENNY ‘THE CADILLAC’ JONES. She’s carrying a broken teddy at her side and wearing a shiny horse t-shirt and a witch’s hat. This cat means business.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
To me it meant being somebody in a world of older, speaking people. It meant respect. It meant freedom. No more bars in my bed. No more high chairs. No more goddamn sludge for dinner. What do you put in that shit? It meant chips and steak and juice and all of the finer things in life. It was a one-way ride to Disneyland. I wanted my part.
LUCA-TONI watches Jenny and Joey hug and playfully shove a third toddler.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
They weren’t like anyone else. They did whatever they wanted. They’d eat sweets at six o’clock and nobody ever told them off. In the summer, when they played tig and hopscotch until gone seven, nobody ever called the cops. They could choose goddamn it. Choice. You don’t know the power of that. You forget when you become a toddler. You forget what it was like as a baby. I wanted the freedom of a three-year old. I wanted to go to nursery.
The third toddler gets annoyed at their play fighting and pushes Jenny and Joey to the ground.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
That’s FAT PAULIE. He ran the school tuck-shop from a trike stand in the park. He ran a few other places for his cousin at the school across town too. He was the boss over everyone in the neighbourhood. Except my sister. Fat Paulie wasn’t fat. He gave himself the nickname. Thought it made him sound bigger. It was a narrative he wanted, and I admired him for that.
We see a laughing Fat Paulie slyly slip behind Joey Banana and grab him around the neck. Jenny the Cadillac starts feigning punches to Joey Banana’s ample midsection.
Joey Banana and Jenny The Cadillac see that ANGEL FACE ALICE, the boss and my sister, is standing in the doorway to her bedroom. ANGEL FACE ALICE is a powerful toddler, standing four-feet tall and weighing over 24 KGS. Quick as shit, they stop horsing around.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
My sister Angel Face Alice might have moved slow, but it was only because she didn’t have to move for anybody. She had my back from day one. I’d have hers later. When she needed it. But that’s another story.
INT. ALICE’S BEDROOM – MORNING
APOCALYPSE MOMMY, Luca-Toni’s mother, shoves a teddy under his arm and pushes him into the hallway. We see Angel Face Alice putting on her jacket and picking up her books. We see Luca-Toni’s father, APOCALYPSE DADDY, sipping coffee in kitchen. It’s high grade Columbian. A gift from a friend in office.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
At first, my parents loved that I got a place at the nursery across the street. My father, who was English but looked Irish, was sent to school at the age of five. He liked that I got myself to nursery. He always said English kids were spoiled lazy.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Come on Alice. Come on Luca. Get a wriggle on, you’ll all be late. It’s first day of nursery. I’m so excited I could cry.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
And my mother was happy after she found out that the mums down at the nursery came from the same part of Sicily as she did. To my mother, it was the answer to her prayers.
We see Apocalypse Mommy shove Angel Face Alice out the door with her school books. Apocalypse Mommy follows, holding Luca-Toni’s hand.
EXT. OUTSIDE SCHOOL – DAY
Apocalypse Mommy watches Alice go through the school doors and disappear. She then turns to Luca-Toni.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
I’m so proud of you Luca-Toni, you’re such a big boy now. The first day of nursery. I can’t believe you grew up so quickly. Where does the time go?
Luca-Toni looks up at his mother. He winks at her.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Did you just wink at me?
Luca-Toni stares into his mother’s eyes. And makes a ‘clicking noise’ with his mouth. He thinks he’s Tony fucking Soprano. This cat ‘aint even three.
LUCA-TONI
Luccaa-Toni.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Why are you speaking with an Italian accent?
EXT. NURSERY – DAY
Apocalypse Mommy walks into the nursery with Luca-Toni.
INT. NURSERY – CONTINUOUS
The nursery is bustling. Mothers and fathers dropping off their toddlers for a day of carnage and chaos. The toddlers are going ape-shit. Running around, throwing coats and shoes everywhere. There is a meltdown in every corner. Tears are being thrown around. Unguarded toddlers are throwing yoghurts and biscuits around like confetti.
There are Portuguese and Italians and French and American voices. Big sisters and brothers, normally boisterous and loud mouthed, stand quiet and alert as they watch the insanity unfold. There are THREE NURSERY ASSISTANTS trying to organise the toddlers. They might as well be trying to organise a school of fucking fish. The parents are worse. Crying and worrying; trying to deal with attachment issues and loss in a crowded reception.
C/U ON LUCA-TONI. He watches, mesmerised, smiling a baby assassin’s smile. This is the epicentre of the toddler dream and Luca-Toni is standing at the door.
Another, older toddler stares at Luca-Toni through the crowd. Luca-Toni stares back. Smiles.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
He’ll be swimming with the fishes if he keeps looking at me like that.
Apocalypse Mommy breaks the stand-off, oblivious to the gangster subtext. She helps Luca-Toni take off his shoes and coat.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
Badda bing, badda boom.
Apocalypse Mommy gives Luca-Toni a big hug as he is taken through to the main nursery. A sign on the door says,“No Parents Beyond This Point.” She walks back through the chaos as little toddlers kick and bite her shoes. Fucking animals.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
Badda bing, badda boom.
As Luca-Toni goes through the door, we see he suddenly stops. Luca-Toni carefully sticks his head back around the corner of the door. His MOTHER is no longer there.
We see Luca-Toni’s face explode with the world’s biggest smile.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
I was the luckiest toddler in the world.
INT. NURSERY – DAY
Luca-Toni LEAPS 3 centimetres into the air to catch a ball.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
I could go anywhere.
EXT. NURSERY GARDEN – DAY
We see Luca-Toni, who can hardly see over the dashboard, driving a MOBSTER’S FisherPrice car around the nursery yard. We see OTHER KIDS, Luca-Toni’s age, watching Luca-Toni, in awe, from behind the nursery window. He goes “brrrrummm brrummmmmm” as he cruises in second gear.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
I could do anything.
INT. NURSERY KITCHEN – DAY
We see Luca-Toni watching TWO nursery assistants playing with JOEY BANANA’S LITTLE BROTHER and FAT PAULIE’S COUSIN. It’s a ruse as old as time. The ultimate distraction. Too fucking easy. Luca-Toni and BILLY ‘TWO TIMES’ SMITH stuff yoghurts and cookies into their pockets.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
That’s Billy ‘Two Times’. We call him that because you have to say everything twice to him before he understands. He ‘ain’t the quickest up top, but he’s got fast hands. This was a heist, you didn’t need brains.
EXT. SIDE-WALK OUTSIDE NURSERY – DAY
The camera follows LUCA-TONI walking down the street holding his mother’s hand. High fiving, fist pumps, screams of adoration and flirtation.
LUCA-TONI (V.O.)
I knew everybody and everybody knew me. But it wasn’t too long before my parents changed their fucking minds. For them, the nursery was supposed to be a part-time thing, you know? Just Monday and Thursday, two days a week. Free up a little time. But for me, it was full-time. I was a King. I was the boss’s brother. There was nothing stopping The Apocalypse Family going all the way to the top. At least that’s what I thought.
CUT TO:
INT. LAS VEGAS CASINO – NIGHT
To Be Continued…