"How many more of these stinking, double-downer sideshows will we have to go through before we can get ourselves straight enough to put together some kind of national election that will give me and the at least 20 million people I tend to agree with a chance to vote FOR something, instead of always being faced with that old familiar choice between the lesser of two evils?"
The Apocalypse Secret Service, at Apocalypse Daddy and Apocalypse Mommy’s instructions, installed a secret taping system in Alice’s house.
Between bedtime on the 18th March and bedtime on the 4th April 2020 the system, sound activated every time Alice was asked a question, recorded the results of a complex and detailed surveillance and reconnaissance mission carried out by Apocalypse Daddy and Mommy over several weeks during the unseasonally warm early spring of the lockdown.
When President Apocalypse Daddy or First Lady Apocalypse Mommy entered a recording area, the beeper they carried signalled the recorder to switch to a record/pause mode.
The following questions were recorded verbatim.
Actors and actresses’ voices have been used to protect the innocent. Certain text has been redacted for national security reasons.
“If we lie to the government it’s a felony. If they lie to us, it’s politics.”
Apocalypse Daddy: If you won a million pounds, what would you buy?
Alice: Erm. (For the record there now follows a long pause.) They have to be paid. That’s all there is to that… Cake.
Apocalypse Daddy: Is that all?
Alice: $300,000 That isn’t a hell of a lot. Bolognese. Spaghetti Bolognese.
Apocalypse Daddy: How long does it take to get to America?
Alice: They have to be paid. That’s all there is to that. Five horses.
Apocalypse Daddy: Five horses? Or five hours?
Alice: To blackmail him. Five hours.
Apocalypse Daddy: What does Apocalypse Mommy always say?
Alice: Goddamn it, get in and get those files. Blow the safe and get it. You, stop it. Stop it Alice and I love you. But more stop it.
Apocalypse Daddy: What job would you like to do?
Alice: They’re using any means. We are going to use any means. Is that clear? Playing
Apocalypse Daddy: Anything in particular?
Alice: We’re up against an enemy, a conspiracy. Yes, playing school.
Apocalypse Daddy: What is the capital of England.
Alice: I want to go after everyone. France.
Apocalypse Daddy: What’s the capital of France?
There now follows an eighteen minute gap in the recording. Apocalypse Daddy’s receptionist made a “terrible mistake” and accidentally deleted the tapes. For the duration of the recording they kept their finger on “the delete not record” button. Subpoenas were issued for the tapes, but as yet all the president’s men (and women) have been unable to ascertain what was said.
Alice: (For the record there now follows a long pause. Then, under duress.) I don’t remember.
Apocalypse Daddy: Where do babies come from?
Alice: I can’t believe that they can tie the thing to me. What’s your feeling? From Mom. Mommy’s belly.
Apocalypse Daddy: When does a child become an adult?
Alice: (Shouting, for the record) Bigger. (Then calm) When does Daddy become an adult?
Apocalypse Daddy: I ask the questions around here. Do you know what a super power is?
(For the record Alice now loses focus and starts climbing up the sofa)
Alice: Kennedy was cold, impersonal, he treated his staff like dogs. You’ve got a lot of grass on your jumper Daddy.
Apocalypse Daddy: Are you changing the subject? Superpower?
(For the record, Alice is now upside down.)
Alice: Russia, Russia Goddamn it! Flying.
Apocalypse Daddy: What would you do to save the planet?
(For the record, Alice is now climbing a bookcase, trying to reach hidden chocolate.)
Alice: Whatever we come up with has got to be water-tight. Erm… (For the record there now follows a long pause as Alice momentarily loses balance.) Flying. Spaceship. I build a spaceship.
Apocalypse Daddy: If you could only eat one thing, what would you eat?
Alice: Erm.. Pasta. (For the record, Alice bursts out laughing as she jumps down from the book case and puts half a chocolate bar in her mouth). Look Daddy, I can do a front roll. (For the record, she doesn’t choke.)
Apocalypse Daddy: How much does it cost to buy a house?
For the record, Alice is now eating something she found on the floor. Perhaps an old biscuit, perhaps a pebble, perhaps a hazardous object.
Alice: Are going to second-guess any story that you come up with Truth? You can’t handle the truth Daddy. Pounds, pounds. Four euros.
Apocalypse Daddy: Why do you think we should be nice to people?
Alice: From a political standpoint, we should have flushed it down the drain three years ago. Because you can be nice, or not nice. Nice, yes, or not nice.
Apocalypse Daddy: What is love?
Alice: It’ll be messy. Mommy kiss (for the record Alice make a kiss sound).
Apocalypse Daddy: What is really important?
Alice: You know that — that, that’s too hot. That’s too hot. Erm.. Talking.
Apocalypse Daddy: Talking?
Alice: No. Yes.
Apocalypse Daddy: What are you scared of?
Alice: National security, national security, national security, that’s what The Times – goddamned people – stole those Pentagon papers, and now they want to get out there and the whole goddamned files and we’re not going to allow that. Wolves and the night. And Daddy, me hungry. When is dinner?
Apocalypse Daddy: Ask me a question.
Alice: I said, all right, investigate the sons of bitches. Can I have some cake?
THE AFTERMATH
I write this covertly from the Cold War bunker of a fallen enemy. Soon after this story was published I was forced into hiding and feared for my life. I called in a favour, and escaped to the Motherland.
I paid for it with my freedom.