"Education is the kindling of a flame, not the filling of a vessel."
…What feels like three million years ago…
Sun glinted off the roof of the racing green 1998 V.W. Mark 2 Golf as it sped along the mountain road, gaining height as its wounded engine battled the decrease in oxygen.
The speedometer was broken but the wailing of the cylinders told its own story.
The road was a serpent, snaking up towards the towering Apocalypse Apartments. It was empty, except for the shadows.
“Daddy,” Alice said from the back of the car, pulling on her seat belt. “Ear Drum.”
Apocalypse Daddy looked in the rear-view mirror. “What was that?” he said, his life skipping a beat.
“I said,” Alice replied, poking her brother in the ribs with a broken trike. “Are we nearly there yet?”
Apocalypse Luca started screaming, sobbing uncontrollably, trying to catch his breath. Then he was visited by a ghost and stopped as quickly as he had begun. His concentration and pain threshold distracted by a stale biscuit crumb on his seat.
The Apocalypse Family was en-route for a lockdown job interview. Governments around the world had imposed stiff quarantine measures which were set to be implemented at midnight.
THE JOB INTERVIEW
INTERVIEWER
So Mr Apocalypse, do you and your family really want to go and live in that apartment during lockdown?
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Yes sir we do, the peace and quiet will be a welcome relief from the hullabaloo of the city. I’ll tell you what, I’m really looking forward to it. I’m a writer and a few weeks of tranquillity high in the mountains is just what the doctor ordered.
INTERVIEWER
There’s a lot of doctors about. What do you write?
APOCALYPSE DADDY
It’s hard to put into words. Parenting stories for the offspring of A.A. Milne and Hunter S Thompson.
INTERVIEWER
The world needs a laugh. Parents are so worried all the time. What’s it called?
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Apocalypse Daddy.
INTERVIEWER
I don’t know it. It’s a good title. But we get off track, and the clock is ticking. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. I have to get down the valley before nightfall. The Apocalypse Apartments are really quiet. You’ll be the only ones there. Not many children around for your kids to play with.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
They’ll be alright, they really like small apartments for week upon week. It really creates a bonding experience. Besides, I hear the skiing is great at this time of year.
INTERVIEWER
It would be, if the lifts were open. If the roads were open. The only thing that could be challenging is the isolation. Isolation isn’t a problem for you, is it?
APOCALYPSE DADDY
No, not at all. Look, You need someone to go in and look after the apartment, we need some space and time with the kids.
INTERVIEWER
Well that’s great Mr Apocalypse. The place is all yours. You’ve got the job. Here are the keys.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Thank you very much sir.
INTERVIEWER
Just one thing Mr Apocalypse. I advise you not to go up to the top floor. And stay away from apartment 237.
THE CLASS
Today we are teaching the colours and how they interact with each other. Blue and yellow make green, it’s why you always have green suns. Magenta and yellow make blood red. The colour spectrum, it’s a complex fish.
“Daddy,” Alice says, painting plates on the kitchen table. “I painted the sun. Look at me. My sun shines. You shine Daddy. Some people shine.”
“Thanks,” I say, painting pictures on a plate no psychologist should ever see. “That’s really nice of you to say.”
“That’s right Daddy,” she says, painting the numbers two, three and seven on the wall. “Yes. Some people shine.”
“Do you remember what red and blue make?”
“We can drink the rain. Why can’t we eat the wind?”
“You can,” I say. “It’s just not very filling. Now what about
yellow and purple, what colour do they make?”
“I don’t know Daddy. I like it though.”
“How about yellow and red.”
“I love colouring. Bigs don’t colour do they?”
“Not so much,”
“When you get big, you Bigs stop doing lots of things, don’t you? Red and white, that makes pink.”
It has been pink for thirty-three days now.
THE MAZE
Apocalypse Mommy and Alice are in the garden building a maze.
THE GOLD ROOM
I try calling the family on WhatsApp but the internet is dead.
I go to the Gold Room for a drink. I call it the Gold Room because Alice painted all the walls bright yellow a few weeks back.
“Hi Lloyd,” I say to the barman. “Slip me a bourbon with a twist of lemon would you? It’s been a hell of a day.”
“Sure Mr Apocalypse,” he says, preparing the drink. “And if I may ask, how are you enjoying your stay here at the Apocalypse Apartments?”
“It’s going pretty swell Lloyd. Thanks for asking. Alice is doing really well at home school, learning a lot of things. Just today we taught her all about the colour spectrum. Would you believe that? Four years old and already learning things I don’t yet know.”
“It’s the New World sir. Not like how it used to be.”
“No Lloyd, it isn’t.”
“Hey Mr Apocalypse, I say, have you been up to room two-three-seven? I only ask as I saw someone up there just the other day.”
Before I can question him on this all my family and friends are on a huge Zoom screen in sepia tone. Dancing and drinking. Dressed in old clothes from the 1920’s. Jazz music is playing from an old jukebox in the corner.
“I love Jazz,” says Alice.
“Where the hell did you come from?” I say.
And the room starts spinning.
And Alice starts saying, “Redrum, Redrum, Redrum.”
THE WRITING ROOM
Apocalypse Mommy is in the writing room. The writing room is the kitchen table. There are toys, a broken keyboard, pegs, papers, lids, toys and cards strewn across it. She turns on the laptop and clicks on day thirty-four and it streams down the page.
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
All parenting and no play makes Apocalypse Daddy a dull boy
ROOM 237
Alice is outside room 237 with her paints.
…
To be continued…