“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.”
Today we are in the Apocalypse Apartment. As we have been for the past thirty-four days and thirty-four nights.
Like Moses. Like Jesus.
Still a way to equal Buddha though.
There are no stained glass windows and the architecture is not Neo- Gothic or Classical. It’s not even post-modern or Romanesque. I can’t share many historical facts about the place as no wars were fought and no kings or queens lived or died here. It does have a fully working kettle though. Running water, a rug which really ties the living room together, an assortment of flowers and plants, a temperamental vacuum cleaner, a shower, floor-tiles covered with Lego, and a lot of books.
We got rid of all the Ikea furniture after we watched Fight Club.
I am Alice’s self confidence.
Without any further ado, with the stage set for the 2020 Mastermind grand final, let me call upon the two finalists. And they are an organiser of fun and musical therapist from the centre of France and a four-year-old baker of cakes from England.
This year we have introduced a change in the rules to Mastermind. In previous years you were allowed outdoors in the lead up to the final. However, to make the competition more fierce we have revoked that and locked contestants up in a small room. Previous contestants were too soft, too used to the daily rituals of freedom. Specialised chosen subjects have been altered since the qualifying rounds. And with that, may I have our first finalist please.
“First off, don’t let the force of the impression carry you away. Say to it, ‘hold up a bit and let me see who you are and where you are from—let me put you to the test.”
Your name please?
Apocalypse Alice.
Occupation?
Making cakes with Mommy.
In the first round you took the history of particle physics and hadron colliders. What is your chosen specialised subject this time?
The life and times of Peter Rabbit.
Apocalypse Alice, you have two minutes on the life and times of Peter Rabbit. Starting…Now. Who is Peter Rabbit’s annoying cousin who often leads the already naughty Peter further astray?
Erm…Peter is a rabbit, yes.
Yes, Alice, but who’s his cousin?
Flopsy.
No.
Mopsy.
No.
Cotton tail?
No.
I don’t know. Pass.
In the Tale of Mr Tod-
– Oh God. Not Mr Tod.
What?
Nothing.
In the Tale of Mr Tod, who is found sleeping in the bed of Mr Tod?
Can I change my specialised chosen subject please Daddy?
You can’t change your specialised chosen subject. Get back on the chair. Get back on the chair.
Pass.
Get back on the chair. In the Tale of The Flopsy Bunnies, what had the Flopsy Bunnies been eating that made them all fall asleep in the pile of grass clippings?
I know this one. Lettuce.
Correct. In the Tale of Peter Rabbit, what is said to have happened to Old Mr Rabbit, Peter’s Daddy?
What do you mean?
Where is he? In the story.
He’s in the story. Peter Rabbit’s dad is like you Daddy.
I’m not Daddy, I’m Magnus Magnusson and this is a quiz show.
Daddy, a lot of Americans read this, do they have Icelandic quiz show hosts over there?
Twenty million people watched the final of Mastermind.
In 1983. Pass.
In the Tale of Benjamin Bunny –
That’s Peter’s cousin. Can I have a point?
No, you’re too late.
Please Daddy, I’ll tidy my room.
In the Tale of Benjamin Bunny, how do Peter and Benjamin escape from underneath the basket the cat was sitting on?
In Peppa Pig, George is her brother. Daddy, why do birds fly?
Time’s up. In that round Apocalypse Alice you scored one point and two passes. You passed on two questions. Benjamin Bunny is Peter’s cousin. You can’t leave your chair yet, get back in the chair. What happened to Peter’s dad in the Tale of Peter Rabbit? He was baked in a pie by Mrs McGregor.
No. No Daddy. No. Peter’s Daddy is not in a pie. No. No. Mommy, Daddy said Peter Rabbit’s Daddy is in a pie. No. That’s not true. They ate Peter’s Daddy? No. No. No. No. No.
Don’t cry Apocalypse Alice, don’t cry. Actually, in the parenting book it said let them cry. You cry. It’s just a story. It’s not real.
It’s not real. Yes it’s real. Mommy…. Mommy……Daddy said it wasn’t real.
Apocalypse Mommy, can you come and comfort Alice please?
CUT
Now, as always, I will be calling up the finalists in ascending order of their first round scores. So first of all please may I have Apocalypse Alice. She’s a baker of cakes, sister and daughter from Apocalypse Apartments. She scored one point on the life and times of Peter Rabbit.
Your general knowledge questions are starting…Now. What is the capital of Japan?
Japan.
Yes, and the capital?
Tokyo.
What is two add two?
Can I have a some spaghetti?
No, what is two add two?
Four. How about an ice-cream?
What shape is the Sun?
Look, I can do a headstand.
You’re doing a headstand on the Mastermind chair. Stop it. But, yes, very good. It’s a good headstand. What shape is the Sun?
You said don’t look at the Sun.
Yes, I did. What shape is the Moon?
It’s a round.
How do you spell Mommy?
Meh, o, meh, meh, yu.
Correct. How many times must you wash your hands per day?
All the times. I can run super fast.
Come back here. The quiz isn’t finished. No, don’t do that… don’t do
that…. Good, well done. What day is it?
It’s Monday?
Could be. Correct.
Where do Elsa and Anna live?
Arendelle. Let it go, let it go, let it go. Can’t take it back any more.
It’s not time for dancing. Sit back down. Forty is the atomic number for which element?
Zirconium. The Apocalypse Element. Low absorption cross section for neutrons. Used in nuclear reactors.
Correct. Who wrote Winnie The Pooh?
Poo, poo, poo, wee weeee.
Come back here. Come back here. Oh, forget it. Can someone get me a drink please?