INT. UNCLES DAVID’S PANCAKE HOUSE – AFTERNOON
The Apocalypse Family are all dressed up. They sit around a 90’s era diner table that is made up to look like the landing module of Eagle, the rest of the diner is badly designed to look like the Sea of Tranquillity.
But it’s 2023, not 1969, and children are no longer just seen and not heard. They are the lords of all they survey. Titans in an age of peasants. Little shits.
Sitting with APOCALYPSE DADDY (handsome, chiselled, like James Bond circa 1975) , APOCALYPSE MOMMY (beautiful, like Greta Garbo), LUCA (1, Dinosaur T-shirt), and ALICE (4 going on 40) are COUSIN DAISY (11, Harry Potter T-shirt), COUSIN JUKES (10, sporting a Coco Chanel vibe), COUSIN BRUNO (13 going on 18, Metallica T-shirt, jeans) and two other men dressed in black suits. They are UNCLE ROB and UNCLE ADE. Alice is telling a long and involved story about Elsa and Frozen.
ALICE
“Let it Go” is all about a young girl, a sister who’s had enough but realises the show must go on. The song is a metaphor for annoying brothers.
Alice gives Luca her famous death stare. Then kicks him in the shins.
LUCA
No it’s not, it’s about a girl and everyone hates her because she froze her home and she takes it all out on everyone else because she is the sensitive older sister. That girl has issues.
ALICE
No! Hold on, you tell that to the girls at nursery. You don’t know what you’re talking about. God. babies are so stupid.
Alice begins to cry. Luca smoothers ice-cream sundae all over his forehead, missing his mouth by a good 3 inches as he learns to use a spoon.
ALICE
Mommy, tell Luca he is wrong.
Luca tries to lick his own forehead as he speaks. Maybe Alice is right about babies being fucking stupid.
LUCA
I’m not wrong. Now granted, “For the First Time in Forever,” is about that, no argument there.
COUSIN BRUNO
Which one is “For the First Time in Forever”?
APOCALYPSE DADDY
You don’t remember “For the First Time in Forever?” It was a big song. I heard it three thousand times just last month and I don’t even like it.
Cousin Bruno, being 13, is quick to take offence.
COUSIN BRUNO
Look asshole, I didn’t say I ‘aint heard of it. All I asked was how it goes.
UNCLE ROB
Woaah. Don’t speak to your uncle like that. We’re in public. Save your cuss words for behind closed doors. There are kids present.
COUSIN BRUNO
Sorry Dad.
(under his breath) asshole.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
That film’s got a lot to answer for. Weekends used to be a lot nicer before it showed up. We used to go outside on a Sunday. You know, look at birds in the trees and play in the river. Now all we do is stare at a sceen. God I hate that snowman. Why are you all arguing about the lyrics from Frozen?
ALICE
We’re not arguing, this is how kids talk.
LUCA
I’m arguing.
ALICE
You’re a boy.
COUSIN DAISY
I’m arguing.
COUSIN BRUNO
I’m arguing.
UNCLE ADE
I’m arguing.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Cut it out, you’re like a group of spoilt punks. Who taught you to be like this?
ALICE
I don’t go to school. I’m only four.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Forget about it. It’s inconsequential to the film. It’s Disney, you know what’s going to happen anyway, you don’t need a song to tell you they all live happily ever after.
UNCLE ADE
I hate Disney.
UNCLE ROB
I like the early stuff. You know, “The lion King, Pocahontas” – but once they got into their “Pixar Finding Nemo” phase, I don’t know, I tuned out.
ALICE
I wish I had a sister. I wish Aunt Sals was here. I’m trying to make a point. You’re going to make me lose my train of thought.
LUCA
You’ve got a train?
COUSIN DAISY
I’ll be your sister.
UNCLE ROB
Aunt Sals can’t be here because someone needs to work to pay for you guys.
COUSIN JUKES
(cutting Uncle Rob off)
Sheesh Dad, we’re here for a good time, not a long time. So we’re expensive. Are you telling me we’re not worth it?
COUSIN DAISY
Yeah Dad, chill out. You know you’ve got high blood pressure.
ALICE
Where was I?
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
You said “Let it Go” was about a girl who’s had enough.
ALICE
Yeah, she’s had enough of pretending who she wants to be and how everything is do this do this, tidy, tidy, sleep now, go to bed. You know, it’s like seven o’clock and the birds are still up and everyone is like all, go to bed.
COUSIN DAISY
Yeah, right on. She casts all that aside, overcomes her annoying little brother, let’s go of all that crap from her past-
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
No swearing please, you’re ten.
LUCA
What are you talking about? There isn’t even a brother in Frozen.
COUSIN DAISY
I’m eleven. Why do adults never remember my age. And crap isn’t a swear word.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Isn’t it?
ALICE
What’s adversity?
LUCA
I’m 15 months old and I know all about adversity. You live Frozen, I’m in 101 Dalmations. I’ve got a big sister who brandishes power like some kind of half mad dictator.
Everyone cracks up.
EXT. UNCLE DAVID’S PANCAKE HOUSE – DAY
CREDIT SEQUENCE.
FADE TO BLACK
Over the black we hear the sound of someone screaming in agony.
Under the screaming we hear the sound of a car hauling ass through traffic.
Over the traffic noise and screaming.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
It’s OK sweetheart, just hold on, OK?
Alice stops screaming long enough to say:
ALICE
I’m sorry, I can’t believe I ate all that junk. I’m sorry mum.
CUT TO:
INT. THE APOCALYPSE CAR
A V.W, Green, fast, 1997 model. Tape player currently playing a recording off the radio of Anthrax headlining Monsters Of Rock, Donnington in 1987.
Alice lies across the back seat, her head in Apocalypse Mommy’s lap. She is sweating profusely, beads of it all over the backseat.
Apocalypse Daddy is driving, weaving in and out of traffic, doing 90, driving for his life. But he remains calm throughout.
Luca is asleep in the baby chair which is in the front passenger seat. He has a sugar smile locked on his filthy face, he squats imaginary flying beasts in his sleep. Happy.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Hey, you’ll be fine. Your stomach hurts really bad, but you ain’t dying. You’ll wish you were in a few hours. But you ain’t dying.
ALICE
All this sweat is scaring me. And my stomach Daddy, it hurts so bad, I’m gonna be sick.
And as if to prove a point she wails.
Apocalypse Mommy wipes Alice’s brow and looks worryingly at Apocalypse Daddy in the rear view window.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
You’re gonna be sick? Are you a doctor? Do you have a medical degree hanging off your bedroom wall? Did you spend ten years studying body parts. What’s this?
Apocalypse Daddy holds up his arm in the mirror.
ALICE
It’s an arm.
Alice cries out in pain.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
No, it’s an elbow.
ALICE
I’m not a doctor.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
No you’re not. So you don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re not going to be sick in the car. You feel like you are and your stomach hurts. It hurts like nothing you have ever experienced. You ate sixteen chocolate bars, three litres of popcorn, four magnums and three bags of Haribo before you even got to the diner. You feel bad. But you’re not a doctor and you’re not going to be sick in the car. Say it sweetheart.
Alice doesn’t’ respond.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Come on Sugar. Say it.
ALICE
Don’t call me sugar.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
You’re right, sorry, wrong term of endearment. Visualise your goal and you will be better positioned to achieve it. You know, like what we spoke about regarding school sports day and the long jump and how you visualised jumping 76 centimetres and you did.
ALICE
I’m not going to be sick in the car Daddy.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
That’s my girl.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
The Apocalypse Family are sitting around the kitchen table like a million other fortunate families. Luca is throwing Rice Krispies at the wall. Alice is pushing toast around her plate.
ALICE
I wanna be Mrs Pink.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Not everybody can be Mrs Pink. Eat your toast.
ALICE
Why can’t we pick our own colours?
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
We tried that before, it don’t work. All the toddlers fight over who is gonna be Mr and Mrs rainbow. Kids don’t want to be one colour anymore, they wanna be all the colours. A rainbow. So forget it, I’m your Mum, I pick. Now eat your toast.
LUCA
I’m happy with my name.
Luca takes his bowl full of milk and cereal and tips it upside down. He then carefully inspects it from beneath, holding the bowl above his head and examining it like he is Isaac Fucking Newton looking at stars through a telescope. Milk drips in his eye. He laughs. Looks around the table for praise.
ALICE
Yeah, that’s really easy for you to say, you’re Mr Pink. You gotta a cool sounding name. If you think Mrs Orange is so good, why don’t you swap?
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Nobody is trading names with anyone else. Your Mum picked your names and we’re sticking with them. This isn’t a family meeting, there is no negotiation. Now eat your toast.
ALICE
I don’t like toast anymore.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
The camera does a 360 around a regular family living room. Toys scattered everywhere, upturned chairs, balloons, cake smeared on the walls, childlike graffiti on the ceiling, clothes everywhere. It looks like there has been a burglary.
The front door swings open and Apocalypse Mommy carries the sweaty, sobbing Alice into the living room and lays her down on the sofa (after moving 17 books, 3 dolls, a football, a kite, a Frisbee and a plastic golf club).
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Just hold on princess. You’ll be right as reign in no time. We’re just gonna lie here and wait for the sugar to leave your system.
Apocalypse Mommy gets up to put the kettle on.
ALICE
Don’t leave me.
Apocalypse Mommy leans back over Alice, takes her hand.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
I’m not going anyway treacle, I’m right here. I’m not going to leave you.
ALICE
I feel so sick Mommy, will you hug me?
Apocalypse Mommy hugs Alice. Then gets up and puts the kettle on.
ALICE
I think I need to see a doctor Mommy. Can you call a doctor? Please. I won’t be any fuss. I think it’s for the best.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
I’m not calling a doctor Alice. You’re going to be fine.
ALICE
I wasn’t born yesterday. I was born four years ago. I know it’s bad. I’ve been sick before, but not like this. Never like this.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
I can’t take you to hospital.
Suddenly the front door blasts open and Apocalypse Daddy runs in carrying Luca. Luca is wailing like a wounded wolf.
Alice continues to moan.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
He’s hungry. So hungry. He tried to eat a dog on the way up. I had to stop him chewing on the neighbours arm in the lift. This is a set up. How can one child be starving and the other about to blow up from eating too much. I don’t get it.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
You think we were set up?
APOCALYPSE DADDY
I don’t think we were set up. I know we were set up. You even doubt it? I mean, the talking kids, the cousins and big sister. They were supposed to feed Luca. They promised they would. We all get side-tracked in the diner talking about Disney songs and the hidden meaning in the lyrics. Meanwhile the talking walking kids are eating all the food the toddler should have been eating. What, you haven’t thought about this?
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
I haven’t had time. I’ve been looking after Alice.
Apocalypse Daddy scrambles to find the baby chair.
There is a knock on the door. It’s the neighbours.
NEIGHBOUR
(shouting)
Can you keep it down in there?
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Call the cops.
Apocalypse Daddy finds the baby chair and sets it up.
Luca is going purple. Screaming like an out of control firework.
Apocalypse Daddy grabs a spoon off the floor, scoops a spoonful of green gunk out of a plastic pot and pushes it into Luca’s mouth.
There is an otherworldly silence. Except for the slow moan of Alice holding her stomach.
BEAT
ALICE
Mommy?
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Yes my love.
ALICE
I think I’m OK now.
Alice touches her stomach with a quizzical look on her face.
ALICE
Yes. Definitely. My stomach ache has gone.
Like a flash of lightning Alice is on her feet, rummaging around behind the sofa looking for toys. Looking for inspiration.
Luca chews on spinach, eyeing Alice carefully. He can sense the refreshed chaos in her eyes, the search for fun and games reignited in her soul.
Alice sticks her head up from behind the sofa.
ALICE
Daddy, can I have an ice-cream please?
And she takes a soft toy from behind the back of the sofa. And throws it at Luca. He laughs, green, putrid half-munched food projected from his mouth. He bashes the table with his hands, gleefully.
ROLL CREDITS