"There is but one thing of real value - to cultivate truth and justice, and to live without anger in the midst of lying and unjust men."
INT. APOCALYPSE APARTMENTS – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The room is in darkness. A shadowy figure moves among broken toys, scattered like dead soldiers on a battle field. Is this a ninja or a child gliding across the living room as if it wasn’t there?
The only sound is the creaking of wood, the occasional beep of a Buzz Light-Year; a tiger growls from a puzzle, the last lights from a robot flicker, flicker. The batteries dying.
VOICE (O.S)
How are you doing?
A very tired child sits, hugging a teddy bear. It’s too dark to make out who it is.
CHILD
I’d say all my toys are broken Keyser.
The sound of Apocalypse Mommy and Apocalypse Daddy stiring is getting more vivid.
THE CAMERA PANS UP to an expensive looking vase on the edge of a chest of drawers directly above the child’s head.
CHILD
Can I have a magnum?
VOICE (O.S)
I don’t see why not. It’s the last one.
The shadowy figure takes the ice-cream out of the wrapper and drops it at the child’s feet.
CHILD
Thank you.
The child eats the ice-cream as the vase comes tumbling down and smashes into a thousand pieces.
Raised voices. Lights flicker on and off. Doors bang open and closed.
Suddenly an explosion as the living room door slams open. Every light in the house is on.
Then darkness.
NARRATOR (V.O)
Apocalypse Apartments. Two nights ago. A supermarket bag loaded with glucose corn syrup and monosodium glutamate got jacked from by the front door. Pringles, Dorritos, Ice-cream, Oreos. There was enough for six weeks of good times in that bag of tricks. The Apocalypse Parents didn’t see anything, they were too far gone, they messed up. They heard a voice though. Sometimes, that’s all you need.
INT. ALICE AND LUCA’S BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING
It’s a blur of action as Apocalypse Mommy and Apocalypse Daddy crash into the bedroom. Alice lies comatose, half on the bed, half up the wall.
Crystalline sugar solution has hardened into a pool at one end of the bed. She has a crazy sugar smile on her face.
Luca lies completely upside down in his cot, his nappy by his ankles, his baby bottle full of coke, his legs twisted around the bars like an uncomfortable contortion artist. His cherub like hands clutch tightly to a handful of sweet wrappers. His little feet twitch like a baby kangaroo.
These cats are still high.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Wake up sleepy heads. It’s time to face the music.
Alice twitches. Breathes heavily. And sighs.
ALICE
Not Daddy music. Please.
Luca farts in his sleep. Burps. Stirs.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Get up, the both of you. Somebody has broken my best vase, spilt sticky juice all over the piano, mushed a banana into the carpet, painted on the wall, broken my little china figurines and smashed your dad’s priceless 1963 Fender. And we want to know who.
ALICE
It was Luca.
LUCA
It was Alice.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
How’d we know you two were going to say that?
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Get your stories straight.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Lineup. Kitchen. Now.
INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
Luca and Alice are ushered into the kitchen where they stand in front of the white fridge. They squint, their eyes still adjusting to the brightness, to being awake after their parents.
Alice steps forward, speaks into the light.
ALICE
Pass me the keys you fuc-
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Knock it off.
ALICE
I didn’t break all the toys, take all the sweets and make a mess.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Luca.
Luca comes forward.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Stop giggling. The pair of you.
LUCA
I didn’t break all the toys, take all the sweets and make a mess.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
I don’t believe either of you.
NARRATOR (V.O)
They started with Alice first. She was the big draw, for obvious reasons.
INT. APOCALYPSE APARTMENTS – LIVING ROOM – LATER
Alice sits at the living room table opposite Apocalypse Mommy and Daddy.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
We know you were up late last night. We know you got out of bed and snuck into the kitchen. We know you ransacked the freezer for ice-cream. We can’t pin it on you yet. Alice, tell us what you know.
ALICE
It was your mistake, not mine. You could have read more books, but you stopped at three. Three books. I get out of bed for less than five. You know that.
NARRATOR (V.O)
Luca was a stool pigeon. He couldn’t even walk. He shouldn’t have been there. But he was.
INT. APOCALYPSE APARTMENTS – KITCHEN
Luca sits in his high chair at the kitchen table. Apocalypse Mommy and Daddy sit opposite, grilling him.
Luca
This is a setup. I was in my cot playing with Lego.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
You should have been asleep.
Luca
It was hot.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Why didn’t you say anything?
LUCA
Believe me I wanted to. But Alice wouldn’t let me. She was enjoying the freedom, being awake at that time. It was liberating for her, you know? Eight o’clock bedtimes send you crazy. It’s not even dark. To a parent the explanation is never that complicated. But this is. You gotta believe me.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
I believe you son. I sincerely do. It’s just your story, there is something I don’t understand.
INT. APOCALYPSE APARTMENTS – LIVING ROOM
ALICE
Yeah, OK, I’m the boss. I’m the big sister, I lead the show. But not last night. Last night was different. I wanted the ice-cream, I wanted to raid the freezer so much it hurt. And I did. But Luca, you know, that boy, he was somewhere else.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Luca was in bed playing with Lego. It was hot.
ALICE
Did he tell you that?
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Yes. With those little eyes.
ALICE
Those are liar eyes Mommy. Toys get broken, there’s paint everywhere, your figurines get face lift and you parents always come down on us kids. It’s family politics, it’s always the same. You got nothing.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
We got proof.
ALICE
Circumstantial.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
There is paint on your hands, ice-cream on your face.
INT. APOCALYPSE APARTMENTS – KITCHEN
LUCA
Why me? I can’t walk. I can barely crawl out of here. Why me? Why not Alice? I’m a baby.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Because you’re a baby, because you are easily lead astray. Alice waves a biscuit in your face, promises you a free ride on the Donald Duck car at the supermarket and you’ll follow her like Mary’s little lamb.
LUCA
Yes. Yes. It was all Alice. She promised me the world. She said the kitchen was full of Cornettos and Magnums, cherry bombs and cola bottles and sherbet dip. She said it would be easy. She never said things would get broken.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Why did you lie about everything else?
LUCA
I’m weak. You know what it’s like. The second child. You’ll never be good enough. Not like Alice. I’ve spent the last year thinking I was just a baby. A good baby. But a baby.
INT. APOCALYPSE APARTMENTS – LIVING ROOM
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Luca has put you at the scene of the crime. You’re the ring leader. You’re going to do time for this. Time in the Thinking Chair. And no dessert. Ever again.
ALICE
Noooooooooooooooooo!!
Alice starts wailing.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
It’s no use turning on the water works.
ALICE
But Mommy, Daddy, It wasn’t me.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Alice
ALICE
I…I…
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Go to your bedroom.
INT. APOCALYPSE APARTMENTS – KITCHEN
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Alice will be punished for this Luca. You were lead astray by a four year old with a crazy plan. As you grow up you are going to have to be vigilant, always thinking. You’re going to have to be cunning and smart to stay ahead of your sister. Like your Mommy and Me. We would never let either of you pull the wool over our eyes.
LUCA
Yes Daddy, you are all seeing, all conquering. I bow to your wisdom. Master.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Let this be a lesson to you Luca.
LUCA
Thank you Mommy, can I go to my room now and practice using my legs? I hope to be up and mobile in a few months.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Of course darling, you go ahead.
INT. ALICE AND LUCA’S BEDROOM
Alice sits on the Thinking Chair, crying. Apocalypse Mommy and Apocalypse Daddy are trying to comfort her.
In the background.
Luca crawls away from the naughty chair. We follow him as he crawls down the corridor towards the living room. He looks back over his shoulder, sees the scene, sees his sister crying.
INT. BEDROOM – THE THINKING CHAIR
ALICE
But it wasn’t me Daddy.
INT. THE CORRIDOR
Low angle on Luca’s legs as he crawls along the corridor floor. Baby like and squidgy. Almost pudgy. SUDDENLY the left leg flexes, the clumsy gait straightens. His chest pulls up, his legs begin to take his weight.
INT. BEDROOM – THE THINKING CHAIR
APOCALYPSE DADDY
I know Alice, but if it wasn’t you. Then who was it?
INT. LIVING ROOM
Luca is on his feet, steady as an ox.
INT. BEDROOM – THE THINKING CHAIR
Apocalypse Daddy and Apocalypse Mommy look at each other, confused like kids at the circus.
NARRATOR (V.O)
The whole thing is a charade. You pull on the lace curtains and all you can see is glass. And your reflection. You want to talk to me about the greatest trick a toddler ever pulled?
INT. KITCHEN
Luca comes to the fridge freezer, climbs up the work surface, using his left leg as a pinch point he dynos up, grabs the freezer door and swings it open, grabs a Cornetto with his left arm and drops to the floor. He smiles to himself as he opens the ice-cream.
NARRATOR (V.O)
The greatest trick a toddler ever pulled was convincing the world they didn’t know what the hell was going on.