“People who are excited by posthumous fame forget that the people who remember them will soon die too. And those after them in turn. Until their memory, passed from one to another like a candle flame, gutters and goes out.”
VO – The following was filmed before a live studio audience.
Audience claps.
Opening credits.
FADE IN:
ACT I SCENE I
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
The living room has been arranged to resemble a cafe, the coffee table in the middle of the room. APOCALYPSE DADDY is sitting on the sofa reading Naked Lunch. ALICE is sitting next to him reading A Brief History of Time.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY walks in carrying a cocktail glass a metre high. She sits on the sofa. The others lower their books.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Hey.
ALICE
Hey.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Hey.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Hey.
ALICE
Hey.
There is a knock on the living room door. Apocalypse Daddy gets up to answer it. He opens the door but there is nobody there.
THE CAMERA PANS DOWN TO REVEAL:
LUCA, wearing a leather jacket with slicked back hair.
CANNED LAUGHTER MIXED WITH ALL THE LADIES IN THE AUDIENCE SCREAMING.
LUCA
Eeyyyyyy, how you doin’?
ALL THE LADIES IN THE AUDIENCE SCREAM AGAIN.
Luca crawls up to the arm chair next to the sofa and clambers up. His little legs tread water as he heaves his body up. He fixes the collar of his leather jacket. He is chewing on a baby biscuit. He takes a comb out of his leather jacket pocket, combs his slick hair and places the comb back in his pocket.
LUCA
Hey.
ALICE
Hey.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Hey.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Hey.
ALICE
Hey.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Hey.
LUCA
Eeeeyyyy, how you doin’?
CANNED LAUGHTER.
Apocalypse Mommy sips on her drink.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
What’s everyone up to today?
Alice starts licking her knee.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Alice darling, are you licking your knee?
ALICE
No.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
I can see you.
ALICE
I spilled jam on them yesterday. I’m saving it. Strawberry. I like strawberry.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
What about you Luca?
LUCA
Ehhhyyyyy. How you doin’?
CANNED LAUGHTER AND ALL THE LADIES SCREAM
APOCALYPSE DADDY
I thought we would go outside and do home school in the street. There aren’t many cars around.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
That’s a great idea honey. Teach the kids to play in the road.
CANNED LAUGHTER
APOCALYPSE DADDY
After that I thought we’d go and play on the train tracks.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
While you’re at it, why not play catch on the airport runway?
CANNED LAUGHTER
Alice looks at Apocalypse Daddy.
ALICE
Can we Daddy? Can we? Pleeeeassssse?
LUCA
Eeeeeeyyy. How you doin’?
THE LADIES IN THE AUDIENCE SCREAM
ALICE
Mommy, Luca hit me.
THE AUDIENCE BOO
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
No he didn’t.
ALICE
He did.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Are you jealous of your brother Alice? You can talk to me. I love you both equally.
Alice starts sobbing. Then stops. Then cries again. Then gets up and does a headstand against the back of the sofa.
ALICE
Look at me Mommy. Look at me.
THE AUDIENCE CHEER AND CLAP
APOCALYPSE DADDY
What did you learn at school yesterday Alice?
ALICE
Shakespeare.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Which story?
ALICE
The one with the horse. Can you read it?
APOCALYPSE DADDY
The horse? They all have a damn horse in.
ALICE
There is a horse and a family and a man and a girl and a sword and a big big big horse and they all get eaten by the horse and then there is a ghost but it isn’t a ghost it’s the Gruffalo and then there is a sheep head and..and… and.. then a helicopter comes …
THE AUDIENCE CHEER AND CLAP
APOCALYPSE DADDY
A helicopter? In sixteenth century England?
CANNED LAUGHTER
ALICE
Yes, and Paw Patrol and Frozen and… and…and…Aladdin.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Sounds like Romeo and Juliet.
Alice starts sobbing.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
Way to go Apocalypse Daddy.
CANNED LAUGHTER
APOCALYPSE DADDY
OK, there is a helicopter.
Alice stops crying, gets up from the sofa, walks over to Luca and pulls his hair.
Luca starts crying and screaming. Alice starts screaming.
APOCALYPSE MOMMY
(over the noise)
I have a Zoom chat in five with the girls, then we are
(whispering to Apocalypse Daddy) Going to a virtual strip club.
THE AUDIENCE GO WOOOOOOOO AND CANNED LAUGHTER.
Apocalypse Mommy gets up and leaves the room. THE AUDIENCE CLAP.
Apocalypse Mommy comes back into the room and bows to the audience. She drinks her cocktail down in one gulp.
THE AUDIENCE GO WILD AND CLAP HARDER THAN EVER.
Alice looks at Apocalypse Mommy as she leaves the room and screams. Luca grabs a huge handful of her golden locks and yanks her head back. If you thought it wasn’t possible to scream louder, you are wrong.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Luca is crying so much he falls off the chair.
CANNED LAUGHTER
The shock calms him down. He laughs, tears still streaming down his cheeks. He picks up a three-day old pea off the floor and eats it. He smiles like he has just injected pure dopamine into his head. In a way, he has.
Alice takes the book “Room on the Broom” and smacks Luca over the head.
CANNED LAUGHTER.
Apocalypse Daddy just sits there.
ALICE
The neighbour’s cat sure does smell.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
It’s a smelly cat alright.
CANNED LAUGHTER
ALICE
Smelly cat. More like Schrödinger’s cat. One day it’s there, the next it’s gone. You should sing a song about that Daddy.
APOCALYPSE DADDY
Maybe I will. School starts in two minutes.
ALICE
I don’t want to go to school.
LUCA
Eeeeyyyyyy. How you doin’?
CANNED LAUGHTER AND THE LADIES IN THE AUDIENCE SCREAM
ALICE
Stop saying that Luca, you’re mixing up The Fonze and Joey from Friends.
CANNED LAUGHTER
LUCA
Actually Daddy, I want to go to school.
CANNED LAUGHTER
ALICE
Me too Daddy, I want to go to school.
LUCA
I want to learn the planets.
ALICE
That’s easy. Jupiter is a planet.
LUCA
I can learn a lot from you big sis.
ALICE
We can both learn from Daddy.
LUCA
Daddy is a great teacher.
ALICE
Daddy is a great Daddy.
Apocalypse Daddy is now asleep on the sofa and hasn’t heard a word they have said.
THE AUDIENCE LAUGH
LUCA
It worked. Now let’s trash the place.
ALICE
You take the kitchen, I’ll take the living room.
Apocalypse Daddy wakes up and joins Alice, Luca and Apocalypse Mommy at the front on the stage. They bow.
THE AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CLAPS.
The End.
Roll credits.
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